The Great Camberley Mosque Planning Pickle

Anyone who is acquainted with me will know how much I love old things. Why, you only have to cast an eye over Mr P Jones to see just how true this is.

Ok, so he may need a little repointing here and there, but to be honest, I've suffered from a wee bit of subsidence over the years too, and until we are condemned or demolished, we'll carry on happily propping each other up, like a couple of slightly damp roofing joists.

Albeit with a little woodworm and flake of dry rot, for company.

And all this is going on, under the sometimes leaky, slightly bowing, clay roof of the small, locally listed residence we call home, in the Victorian town of Camberley.

Locally listed, because at some point in the past, a nice man from the council decided that our little house had historical merit or architectural interest to the neighbourhood, not least because of the two dusty old relics which are knocking around inside it.

But the general consensus of opinion in Knoll Towers, headquarters of the great and good at Surrey Heath Borough Council, is that until such time as they change their minds and remove it from said list, or get paid a substantial amount of money in a creased brown envelope, it would be a terrible grand shame to pull it down.

So it's a great pity that the same folk saw fit to approve the demolition of St Gregory's School, the attractive red brick locally listed building, sitting in the RMA conservation area, on the A30, in Yorktown.

You see, at a highly important meeting on Monday 25 January, a bevy of our esteemed councillors (and I really have to ensure I spell that correctly, as I have always been brought up to be polite), voted against the advice given to them by their more experienced colleagues in the planning department, and said it's fine to squash the school as flat as a pancake.

And their decision, however flawed, was final.

Until Tuesday morning.

When they sent a letter to everyone, from their Mum, saying they had to be excused from PE until further notice as they had developed a nasty little rash, and that by the way, when they said "no", they really meant "possibly", or "in principle" or "maybe".

As you can probably imagine, Mr P Jones and I have been all agog at these goings on. You see for a long time now, we have been planning our retirement.

And one of the many options we had come up with, was that we could raze this place to the ground and build a life-size replica of 30 St Mary Axe (better known as the Gherkin in London's docklands), out of used Chinese takeaway containers, on the site.

And then charge folk for a look round. Like they do in America.

Where nothing is older than the last time you sneezed.

And where people will pay good money to see the World's Biggest Ball of String.

As you know, us old folk are nothing but thrifty, and those little rectangular plastic boxes with the snap-off, snap-on lids, will always come in handy. Which, to be honest, is why we have amassed several thousand of them.

Well, we do like the odd battered sweet and sour chicken ball.

And now storage is getting a bit tight.

It was only after a couple of medicinal dry sherries one night, that Mr P Jones stumbled upon the idea of building some sort of money spinning tourist attraction, to see us into our twilight years. But up until now, we had nowhere to put it.

Up until now the locally listed status of our property had deemed this a non-starter.

But as the councillors at Surrey Heath have apparently taken leave of their senses completely, and are allowing previously protected property to be torn down on the whim of a few, it leaves us free to dismantle our listed house too.

London stock brick by London stock brick.

To build ourselves a future. Out of microwaveable food containers.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you.... The Giant Pickle.

Which coincidentally, by all accounts, is also what the councillors of Surrey Heath's latest planning applications committee have got themselves into.

(Admission price negotiable in back-handers. The management refuse the right of entry or appeal)
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BEDTIME READING

Matthelliwell.blogspot.com: Camberley Mosque

Especially interesting is the comment from Anonymous on Matt's blog: "I'm curious to know why Alan Cleverly, the agent for Surrey Heath MP Michael Gove, was at the planning meeting, sitting with the applicants, grinning with delight at the outcome and shaking hands with fellow enthusiasts for this ill-conceived plan!"

Me too Anon, me too!!! Maybe our totally impartial local MP Michael who is supposedly paid to work for the good of the whole community, or his little sidekick Alan would like to elaborate here?

I can feel another sick note coming on, to get 'em out of next week's PE, oops sorry, PR....

BBC Surrey: Surrey Heath says Camberley mosque not yet decided

Get Surrey: New mosque approval 'not yet finalised'